Naruto: The Akatsuki's New Uniform
by YenGirl
Summary: White Zetsu is bored and plays a prank which results in the unthinkable. Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

**Author Notes:** Hello again, everyone! This is... well, I can't even remember what my daughter and I were talking about when this idea took hold of us, but it refused to go away. It's pure and utter crack so please leave common sense and logical thinking at the door before you read. Enjoy :)

 **General Warnings:** Pure crack, some fanon facts and severe OOCness. A couple of spoilers for the Akatsuki members, but nothing really earth shattering.

 **Rating:** 'T'

 **Characters:** The Akatsuki

 **Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

\- Chapter Start -

It was a quiet period for the Akatsuki while they waited for the right time to go after the Tailed Beasts. In the meantime, they carried out small missions in their two men teams and met once a month at the Akatsuki Headquarters, a large bungalow located somewhere in the Land of Water.

Things had been pretty boring of late so White Zetsu decided today's meeting would be the perfect opportunity for some fun. After all, a group of S-ranked ninja with nothing much to do was not a good thing. It could lead to discontent, disgruntlement, discord and outright bloodshed if not taken care of.

An hour before the meeting, he stole away to Nagato's room with a large bottle of potent sake. Nagato was a lightweight so getting him drunk wasn't difficult, not with some light chatter to ease the way. Zetsu watched in gleeful satisfaction when those Rinnegan eyes started to cloud with the effects of alcohol after only the fourth cup. Nagato's words soon started slurring as well.

This meeting should prove quite... _entertaining..._ if nothing else.

\- o -

 _An hour later..._

One by one, the Akatsuki members filed into the dining room (which doubled up as their meeting room) and took their usual seats. They exchanged quiet words of greetings which went unheard the moment Deidara appeared in the doorway, thanks to Tobi's excited 'Deidara-sempai, over here, over here! Your seat is beside Tobi!' Pein went to sit at the head of the table with Konan on his right and Itachi on his left, both of them noticing his rather unsteady walk.

As soon as everyone was settled and quiet, Pein cleared his throat.

"Thank you for coming.. Let's get started on this month's meeting."

There was an expectant pause as everyone stared at him. When the pause extended to half a minute and then a whole minute, they gave each other puzzled glances.

"Do we have a new mission, Pein?" Konan finally prompted.

"Yesh!" Pein slammed a fabulously manicured hand on the table, making everyone jump. "A new misshion it ish!"

The other members frowned at his unaccustomed slurring of words.

"What sort of mission?" Kisame asked, reaching a hand over his shoulder to touch the handle of Samihada. "An assassination? Multiple assassinations?"

Pein shook his head.

"A misshion to get ush new uniforms," he stated solemnly.

Everyone's eyebrows flew up, even Tobi's which were hidden behind his orange swirly mask.

"We're changing uniforms? What's wrong with the ones we've got?" groused Kakuzu.

"And why, for Jashin's sake, is it a mission?" asked Hidan, looking perplexed.

"But these are still new! Aren't they, Deidara-sempai?" Tobi asked the blond ninja beside him. When he was ignored, he looked around the table. "Aren't they?"

"Not to mention the black background goes well with the red clouds," Itachi added.

"Heh. _Some_ mission," Deidara drawled, rolling his blue eyes.

"New uniforms," Pein insisted, swaying a bit in his chair. "In fact, I shall shelect the desighn myshelf. Right now."

Ignoring the uneasy and suspicious expressions, he looked around and caught sight of a stack of new magazines on the sideboard. Each Akatsuki member subscribed to a different monthly publication, all of which were delivered to this address.

"Pleashe bring those here, Konan."

Konan hesitated before getting the magazines and placing them in front of Pein.

"Thank you. Itachi, pick a number from one to ten," Pein ordered.

"Seven," replied Itachi without missing a beat, his eyes narrowed.

Pein started counting through the stack while the others stared at him in growing alarm. He fished out the seventh magazine and placed it on top of the pile. Everyone immediately leaned forward to peer at the cover and blanched before turning to glare at Konan. She ignored them.

It wasn't her fault they didn't care for a woman's magazine, was it?

"Deidara, pick a number from one to one hundred," Pein said next, his Rinnegan eyes pinning the blond to his seat.

Deidara gulped, feeling the weight of those eyes and everyone else's on him. A drop of sweat trickled down his cheek.

"This is going to explode in our faces," he muttered and squeezed his eyes shut. "Centre spread!"

Pein pulled out the magazine from its plastic wrap and started rifling through the pages. As the others stared at him with wide eyes and bated breaths, Konan noticed White Zetsu trembling with what looked like suppressed mirth, his lips pressed tightly together. Her golden eyes flashed angrily when she realised what must have happened to make Pein behave like this, but she kept silent.

"Centre spread," Pein announced and slapped the open magazine on the table.

Everyone jumped up to take a look and then collapsed back in their seats, faces going white with shock. The two pages featured nothing but wedding gowns.

"Is this some sort of joke!" hissed Kisame in disbelief.

"You must be out of your mind!" howled Kakuzu, his light green eyes glowing. "What a waste of money!"

"For the love of Jashin..." Hidan shook his head, unable to get anymore words out.

Deidara covered his face with his hands and sank lower in his seat while Tobi bounced up and down beside him, uttering excited squeaks.

"There are nine deshigns here sho we will each choose a different one," Pein stated. "I want to shee everyone wearing their new uniforms when we meet again thish time next week."

He stood up, listed a bit to one side, righted himself and swayed out of the room, oblivious to the explosion of furious protests behind him.

Only two people were silent. The first was White Zetsu, his expression now resembling one who had set a trap only to catch himself in it. The second was Konan whose lips kept twitching as she fought back a smile. Calmly, she drew the open magazine towards her, circled two of the designs and wrote her name and Pein's on them. She then got up and went to the door before looking over her shoulder.

"I've already selected my design and Pein's so I suggest you all do the same," she said. Everyone stopped squabbling, stared at her and then at the magazine.

Konan smiled at the mad scramble which ensued. She had selected for herself the only wedding gown which didn't have a single ruffle, flounce or lace on it. The second most simple design was for Pein. As far as she was concerned, the others could just fight over the remaining seven designs.

She went off to look for Nagato, humming a little under her breath. He would be horrified once he came back to his senses, but it was too late. He had already made his decision via Pein. As for Konan, she couldn't wait for next week's meeting!

\- Chapter End -

 **A/N:** Thank you for reading! Worth continuing? :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Notes:** Hello everyone and thank you again for your wonderful reviews for the first chapter! *beams* Here is the second and final chapter, I hope you enjoy it just as much. Don't forget to leave common sense and logical thinking at the door before you proceed. Enjoy :)

 **General Warnings:** Pure crack and severe OOCness.

 **Rating:** 'T'

 **Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

 **24Apr:** Sorry, I couldn't resist adding a bit more dialog :)

\- Chapter Start -

As expected, Konan found a tipsy Nagato in his room, swaying in his contraption, Rinnegan eyes clouded with alcohol and the unmistakable smell of sake on his breath. She helped him to bed and when he awoke later that evening with a hangover, was on hand to administer a painkiller and a cup of hot strong tea.

At first, Nagato couldn't remember what had transpired, but once he did, Konan had to stop him from bashing his head against the nearest wall. She calmed him down and said there was no need to kill Zetsu just yet. The results of the new 'mission' were sure to be atrocious and Pein could easily make a decision to revert to their previous uniforms then. Konan was sure no one would argue with that.

Once Nagato calmed down, she told him she had selected one of the plainest gowns for Pein and would make sure it fitted him perfectly.

\- o -

The following week, Konan arrived at the dining room room a full fifteen minutes before the meeting was scheduled to start. She looked very pretty in her new 'uniform' - the bridal equivalent of the classic little black dress. It was a simple sleeveless, knee length sheath in pearl white silk, something she could also wear for an evening out. Despite her usual serene expression, her golden eyes sparkled with merriment and her lips kept twitching as she imagined what the others would look like.

Five minutes later, Tobi danced into the room wearing the frilliest wedding gown in the magazine. It had the works - short puffed sleeves with ribbons, lace ruffles circling the neckline and layer upon layer upon layer of ruffles on the puffy knee length skirt. Thank the heavens he had the sense to leave on his Akatsuki stockings, Konan thought. He didn't look bad at all although that was probably because the orange ruffles on his dress matched his orange swirly mask. All he lacked was a be-ribboned staff to herd sheep.

Pein was the third to enter, head held high and back ramrod straight. He walked stiffly to his seat at the head of the table as if the huge white silk rose at his waist weighed a ton. Or perhaps he just wasn't used to a floor length gown complete with heart shaped neckline, fitting long sleeves adorned with tiny silk roses and a short lace train trailing at the back.

Konan nodded to him with her fingers pressed against her mouth to stifle her giggles.

The three of them sat in silence for another five minutes with Tobi bouncing excitedly in his seat. Then they heard what sounded like a stampede of elephants approaching the dining room at an alarming speed.

In a matter of seconds, a flurry of silk, satin, chiffon and lace jammed itself in the doorway accompanied by several muffled curses. Half a dozen hands with manicured and be-ringed fingers stretched out of the fabric, their desperate owners trying to free themselves from the tangle of bridal finery.

There was a loud ' _RRR-III-III-PPP!"_ and in the blink of an eye, all the other chairs were suddenly occupied by red cheeked, glowering would-be brides. Konan's gaze darted around the table and she felt her sides ache with suppressed laughter, tears of mirth springing to her eyes.

It was even better than she had expected... although she had to admit some of them wore their new uniforms remarkably well.

Itachi looked a dream in a white satin dress with spaghetti straps which showed off his long neck and pale, slender arms. He stared straight ahead, not moving a muscle.

Deidara looked fetching in a strapless dress with a heart shaped bodice, cheeks flushed pink as he alternately glared at and ignored Tobi bouncing in his seat beside him and going 'Oooh, Deidara-senpai looks _soooooo_ preetty!' Konan wondered how many tissues the blond had used to make the front of his dress fill out like _that_. At least she hoped it was tissues and not his exploding clay.

Hidan looked handsome and even - there was no other word for it - distinguished. His wedding gown was a _cheongsam_ style dress in white silk brocade which boasted a high Mandarin collar, half sleeves and frog buttons.

The others, sad to say, didn't look as good.

Kisame looked incongruous with a white lace choker around his neck, tiny princess sleeves and elbow length white gloves, all contrasting sharply with his skin tone. He kept scowling as he darted half admiring, half embarrassed glances at Itachi who sat stiffly beside him.

Kakuzu looked just as strange in a tight off the shoulder affair which sported a long tear down one side, and bulged here and there thanks to the various heads on his torso. Konan took one glance at the exposed underarm and shuddered; body hair was _so_ unsightly on a bride.

Zetsu was wearing a dress which seemed to be made out of nothing but long, trailing white feathers. Coupled with his woebegone expression and tall fronds, he looked rather like a drooping, exotic bird.

Konan finally lost her composure and laughed til she cried. Everyone including Pein glared at her, but after a few moments, they started smiling sheepishly except for Kakuzu who was still grousing about it being a waste of hard earned money.

The moment Pein cleared his throat however, he was met with glares from the other males. If looks could kill - Itachi's Sharingan notwithstanding - he would be nothing more than a pile of ashes on his chair.

"I am glad to see everyone wearing their new uniforms," he said and paused as he was glared at again by everyone except Konan.

"This is a farce and you know it," Kisame hissed, inserting a finger under his lace choker as if it was too tight for him. It promptly tore and he drew his hand away to blink at the scrap of lace now hanging from his finger. Dismay showed briefly on his face before he scowled. "Blasted fragile thing!"

"Now see what you've done," scolded Kakuzu who was sitting beside him. "Our new uniforms almost cleaned out our funds!"

He snatched the choker from Kisame, put it around his neck again and stitched it up.

"That's a lost cause, Kakuzu, and you know it," chuckled Hidan and preened. "Not everyone can carry off this look, you know."

"Deidara-sempai can!" piped up Tobi. "Deidara-senpai looks _veeeery_ preetty!'

Deidara glared at him and folded his arms across his chest. When a bit of crushed tissue paper peeped over the neckline of his dress, he flushed and stuffed it back in.

"Lacking in finesse, I would say," drawled Hidan. "Face it, Deidara. You don't have the charisma Itachi and I have."

"Leave me out of this, Hidan," Itachi said, leaning forward to glare at Hidan with Kisame and Kakuzu sitting between them. That was when he caught sight of what Kisame was wearing and blinked. Kisame scowled again, cheeks flushing red.

Pein cleared his throat loudly and everyone turned to him.

"This meeting will now come to order," he intoned and looked around at every member before nodding. "But first..."

Reaching down, he lifted a cardboard box onto the table, the faint clinking sounds coming from within making everyone suspicious.

"The company who got the order to make our new uniforms has generously loaned us headdresses to wear for today," he continued. He stood up, opened the box and tipped its contents onto the table with a flourish.

A cascade of glittering, bejeweled tiaras fell out with a cacophony of clinking and tinkling sounds, a couple of them rolling around the table before coming to a stop. As everyone's mouths dropped open in shock - except for Tobi's which couldn't be seen - Konan quickly snatched up the simplest tiara of all - a circlet of tiny diamonds - and placed it on her head. That broke the spell and started a mad scramble for the tiaras that were left.

Konan smiled and got ready her camera. The next few shots should be enough to cover the huge dent these wedding gowns had made in their Akatsuki funds.

\- Chapter End -

 **A/N:** Thank you for reading! Please leave a review if you enjoyed it :)


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